Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I party with great urgency now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
