I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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