Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
