He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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