The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
