And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
