My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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