i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
