Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
