Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
