I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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