He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
3 2 1 whiskey
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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