at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I need moral support for this bender
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
