Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
