your thong is hanging out like whoa
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we have officially lost it.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
