Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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