standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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