I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
