Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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