He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
