my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
