I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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