I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Pants are for mortals
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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