I'm eating all of the evidence.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
