Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
