What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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