I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
