Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
