$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
