Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
