Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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