apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
