Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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