im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Drunk is a universal language darling
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