The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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