fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
