Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
