I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
