turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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