I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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