Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
