I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
