ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
