look no pants
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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