Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
