She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
