i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
