M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
