grandma shit on top of the toilet
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
