I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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