I can't watch pbs sober anymore
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
