Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
