We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
