i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
