i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
