dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize