How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
