I just made out with a guy for $7.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
