the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
